Ode to a mammogram

I wish I knew who wrote this poem because I would like to thank her personally and sympathize with her plight. Ah well, at least now that I've had a mastectomy there's only one to be mammogrammed. Enjoy!

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless t*t!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his b*lls in there,
And see how THEY come out

Eye, eye...

The following I'm assured is a true story as follows, from Ariez - once again, one of my co-contributors to the US business website MarketingProfs.com. Here's what he wrote ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey Suze,

My dad's an eye surgeon and he once related this operation that happened:

The particular operation in question was a very run-of-the-mill one. It was a straightfoward surgery and there were no unforseen problems. While operating, the eye had to constantly be cleaned with water from a small hose, and then that waste water was drained.

The problem occured when the pipe developed a leak and started falling on my dad's pants while he was operating.

Now, naturally, he couldn't just stop and correct this little problem, so just kept on working... and told the nurses to correct the problem. The nurses were running around but nothing seemed to get done. More water leaked down and my dad started getting irritated. He began screaming at the nurses to do SOMETHING. Still, hustling and bustling.... but nothing was done.

He finally finished the operation with difficulty and immediatley proceeded to give the nurses and all those in the operation room a piece of his mind. It was a big piece mind you. One of the nurses began to cry.

Finally my dad calmed down and then asked...

"So tell me.... what have we learned from this little incident?"

Nobody answered... all were looking at my dad.

He answered... "Dont f*ck with Randy when his jocks are wet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yet another example of how the truth is not only stranger - but also funnier - than fiction.

Hope you're enjoying your weekend and that what remains of it is good for you!

SUZE

Dealing with cancer takes b*lls...

A story from Atul, one of my fellow expert contributors to the MarketingProfs Know-How Exchange ...

~~~~~~~~~~

"Doc," says Steve, "after this cancer scare I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "Especially now after the scare."

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Oh, no! So THAT'S the word I was looking for!”

The Proctological Mechanic

The following from Steve, one of my fellow contributors to the Know-How Exchange of the US website Marketing Professionals (click here to view.)

A gastroenterologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future being very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL life's dream and become an auto-mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the teacher why such a high score...

"Well", said the teacher, "The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe."

Have a good week!

Yes, we know, laughter is terrific medicine (but it's good to have it confirmed...)

Yet more from real, live, sources on the internet - that aren't jokes... this time from the US site ThirdAge.com.

Here's an edited excerpt, but to read the whole article click here. And thanks, ThirdAge guys, for sharing it with us - I haven't asked your permission but I don't suppose you'll mind considering we're not making any money out of this. If you do mind, you know where to find me.

Don't Take Yourself So Seriously

Laughter is the best medicine.

We know that the ability to laugh is helpful when coping with major illnesses and the stress of life's problems. But researchers are now saying laughter can bring balance to all the components of the immune system, which helps us fight off diseases.

Laughter provides a safety valve that shuts off the flow of stress hormones rising in our bodies when we experience stress, anger or hostility. Stress hormones suppress the immune system and raise blood pressure.

Laughing till your sides hurt is an experience many of us have had, and hopefully more than once.

In our daily lives, we encounter many stressful situations that we often don't deal with very well. Laughter provides a way for these emotions to be harmlessly released in a safe environment.

Sometimes, when things are really stressful, something really silly will have us doubled over in hysterical laughter. It's sort of the body's way of providing an outlet to bring down the stress levels that are being experienced.

Taking life seriously is a recipe for stress. Taking yourself too seriously is a recipe for illness.

Laughter can often happen at the most inopportune moments as the body's way of handling stressful situations.

Many people, for example, find themselves wanting to laugh at funerals, during interviews, during arguments or when bad news is received. It's a reaction to rising stress hormones in the body and a simple and effective way of bringing those damaging substances down, however inappropriate it may be at the time....

...etc.

As I indicated, do please read the whole article here ... and speaking as a subscriber to ThirdAge, I can recommend it as a useful source of information for the over 50's (and younger.)

Sing-along boobs

Latest news here in the UK is from Ananova, a British mobile/cellphone news network, and I quote:

"Musical breast implants

Computer chips that store music could soon be built into a woman's breast implants. One boob could hold an MP3 player and the other the person's whole music collection.

BT futurology, who have developed the idea, say it could be available within 15 years. BT Laboratories' analyst Ian Pearson said flexible plastic electronics would sit inside the breast. A signal would be relayed to headphones, while the device would be controlled by Bluetooth using a panel on the wrist.

According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."

The sensors around the body linked through the electrical impulses in the chips may also be able to warn wearers about heart murmurs, blood pressure increases, diabetes and breast cancer."

Isn't life grand?

And another medical joke for today

Just got this one in from Fiona, my lovely Financial Advisor here in the UK ... great lady who knows her onions when it comes to investing money and unlike me, does not mix metaphors....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was very nice..but listen very, very closely: Are...my...tests...results...back?

Red faces all around....or were they?

Heavy breathing

Kathleen, one of my fellow contributors to the US website MarketingProfessionals' Know-How Exchange, found this cute story and sent it in for us to share...

"At the salon where I was a hairstylist, the conversation turned to smoking and its ill effects on our bodies. Even after hearing one woman reveal that she had survived cancer of the uterus, another customer lit up a cigarette.

"Aren't you afraid of getting cancer of the uterus?" she was asked.

"Oh, no, dear," the smoker replied, without batting an eyelid. "I don't inhale that far down."

..........Originally contributed by Mary Arterburn to Reader's Digest

My thanks to both Kathleen and Mary!

The real meaning of medical terms

In case your doctors and other healthcare providers are trying to bamboozle you into buying their interpretations of the following medical terms, be warned...don't believe them for one minute! Here are the real meanings courtesy of an unknown, but very smart, author...

Artery: the study of fine painting

Barium: what you do when a patient dies

Benign: what you are after you are eight

Caesarean Section: a district in the city of Rome

Colic: a friendly sheep dog

Congenital: amiable and sociable

Dilate: to live a long time

Fester: quicker

Medical staff: a doctor's walking stick

Minor operation: coal digging

Morbid: a higher offer

Nitrate: lower than a day rate

Node: was aware of

Organic: Church musician

Out patient: person who has fainted

Post-operative: a senior mailman

Protein: in favor of young people

Secretion: hiding something

Tablet: small table

Tumour: an extra pair

Urine: opposite of you're out

Varicose veins: veins that are very close together

See.....told you I would be back before Monday. Enjoy what's left of the weekend!

Sz........

Defeating those tight-lipped doctors

The next time your doctor gives a vague answer to one of your questions, bear this neat idea in mind...(anecdote contributed by several kind friends and colleagues, none of whom are the original authors as far as I know, but hey - thanks anyway!)

A lady of a certain age, calling the local hospital, says, "Hello, dear, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, dear. She's Sarah Smith, in Room 302."

"Oh, yes. Mrs. Smith is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work and biopsies just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Robinson is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God! That's great! That's fantastic! Wonderful news!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend?"

"Friend? I'm Sarah Smith in 302. Dr. Robinson tells me squat!"

No doubt I'll be back before Monday, but in any case have a great weekend .... Sz.

This could make the guys' eyes water...

Another interesting anecdote as recounted by our intrepid London-based jokester, Laurence Harris...

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office with suspected testicular cancer. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Eileen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that jar open..."

And it's goodbye from him

We TV watchers in the UK, in particular, will be saddened by the loss of Ronnie Barker who passed away yesterday (not from cancer, but heart disease) aged 76. This brilliant comedy actor, comedian and writer was probably the most talented of his generation and his contribution to classic British sitcoms and light entertainment will never be forgotten.

Of his many on-screen guises my favourite was Ronnie Barker as himself, in partnership with diminutive Scottish comic Ronnie Corbett, in their long-running show "The Two Ronnies." At the beginning and end of each show they would read out "news items" with deadpan faces and without exception they would raise the roof with laughter. Here are a few examples...

In a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Barker: There now follows a sketch featuring ghosties and ghoulies.
Corbett: In which I get caught by the ghosties...
Barker: And I get caught by surprise…

Tonight, we'll be asking: "Should all married couples be frank and earnest, or should one of them be a woman..."

Grecian 2000 have assured graying men that their product will still work after midnight on Millennium eve.

And we will be speaking to the scientist who crossed a yard of ale beer glass with a Chinese vase and a chamber pot, to get a ping-pong-piddle-high-po."

Corbett: Tomorrow we will be talking to women who like Nicholas Parsons
Barker: ...and also to a parson who likes knickerless women.

Barker: "And now a sketch in which I play the important role of Casanova."
Corbett: "And I play the rest of him."

Failsafe cure for hiccups

UK-based JokesMeister Laurence Harris has sent me a bumper selection of medical gags from his huge database which will soon be published in book form, so I'm informed. As a regular member of his email jokelist I can confirm that his book is bound to make hilarious reading.

Some of his jokes are a little on the naughty side for a family audience like ours (she said patronisingly) but here's one that struck me as a useful trick to remember in an emergency...

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the room, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 76 years old, she has 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said, "I'll bet she doesn't have the hiccups any more."

If you want to see Laurence's naughtier jokes let me know - you have been warned! - and I'll email them to you ... suze@suzanstmaur.com

Cancer humour (with a 2nd "U") - non US folks don't see the joke

I've recently had my knuckles rapped by a range of British, Canadian, Antipodean and other non-US English speakers for my persistent use of the American spelling of "humor." Sorry guys, despite being a Canadian and living in the UK most of my commercial writing work these days is for the USA and I've kind of fallen into the habit.

Question is, how do I go about putting the wrong to right?

Do I spell the word "humour/humor?" (Alternating equally with "humor/humour" to make it perfectly fair?)

Do I go for an amalgamation like "humo(u)r?"

Do I replace the word altogether with something that everyone spells the same way, like "funniness," "hilarity," "wit," "amusement," etc.?

Do I invent an entirely new word that will probably offend everyone, e.g. "humer," or perhaps even "jokishness?"

Or for the sake of saving time, nerve-endings, bandwidth, server space, sanity, etc., do I just decide to use one spelling and risk irritating the mere few million English speakers who spell it the other way?

Your views would be most welcome - please comment. And don't forget to make them humerous if you can.

In the meantime here are few further examples of language disasters to help you get your thinking caps on.

(And we haven't even mentioned cancer once. Good. There's so much more to all of our lives.)

Here are 11 good reasons why advertising companies should hire linguists:

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan "Turn it loose" into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like Electrolux." (N.B. I can't vouch for the rest of these examples, but I know this one is true - confirmed to me by a former Electrolux employee who saw the ad in the 1940s, if I remember rightly. Sz.)

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had a use for the manure stick.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since many people cannot read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-Shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending upon the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "Happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Wicked joke from Wendy

Wendy S, contributor to the Bladder Cancer Cafe Digest, sent us the following...

'I had breast cancer at age 43 (stage IIIC, SNB-all nodes positive and regional metastasis to internal mammary nodes, mastectomy, radiation, five years of Tamoxifen and 3 years of Zoladex-Dec. '99), it's my big sister who has bladder cancer, Ta, G1, dx-ed in '98. We're both doing well....

...Below is one of my favorite, tasteless medical jokes for you to add to your page if you want...

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear!"'

Naughty-but-nice one, Wendy...thanks!