How to prevent cancer: yeah, right...

Here are some incredibly useful tips based on what is promoted by the, er, shall we say, more romantic popular press who just love to put some oomph into their stories…

ACTIONS: WHAT TO DO

Buy and use some ear plugs. They obviate the need for you to listen in bed to a partner whose snoring is louder than a racing car performing at full revs two feet away, thereby significantly reducing your cancer-causing stress hormone levels. Also work well for screaming kids, arguing families, neighbours doing noisy jiggy-jiggy next door, construction workers in the street using pneumatic drills (jackhammers) etc.

Move to a remote island without electricity. This avoids the danger of living near nuclear power stations or electricity pylons which as any popular journalist knows have been a hopeful source of cancer causing something-or-other, for some time.

Keep and use carrier pigeons. This will ensure that you don’t succumb to the threats of brain tumours arising from mobile phone (cellphone) usage. After many, many years of the media desperately hoping to accuse it of triggering cancer, a bit of research has finally hinted that this could be true.

If you’re a woman and live in the UK, get a facelift and have some Botox treatments. It seems, according to pop journalists, that the younger you are (or appear to be) the more likely you are to get a partial or total mastectomy for breast cancer. It appears that if you’re over 70, forget it – either go private or get a sharp carving knife and do it yourself.

Stop feeding your teenage kids. Seems that if they’re overweight by 18 they’re more likely to get cancer and you don’t want to put them at risk now, do you? This a great excuse to stop paying for junk food treats and save money by feeding them low fat bread, water and the occasional few boiled vegetables and stewed meat. Helps the family budget, big time.

You stop eating, too. This way you will lose weight so your BMI gets down to whatever it’s supposed to be, er, this week. Spend the money you save on a lovely sunshine holiday … oh, no, wait … a cloudy holiday.

Invest in black curtains and keep yourself away from the sun at all times to avoid skin cancer. But hold on a moment … ah, you need to get about 10-20 minutes of sun a day to make enough Vitamin D to help keep your bones healthy. And that’s bare skin, none of your SPF 50 stuff. Your call?

FOOD AND DRINK: WHAT TO CONSUME

Garlic. Lots and lots of it. It is said to have many cancer-preventing properties, not least of which is that the smell of your breath is enough to keep potential cancer cells cowering in horror. Also very handy for warding off vampires, fellow bus or train passengers, close colleagues, etc.

Onions. Ditto re: garlic as the two veggies are from the same family. Onions don’t necessarily make your breath smell like that of a polecat on heat, but they can get their revenge by challenging your rear end to keep quiet and smell free. Eat at your peril.

Dark Leafy Greens. They are good sources of the antioxidants called carotenoids which scavenge free radicals from the body before they can kickstart cancer, OK? Depending on which sort they are they can also turn your wee-wee a strange colour, give you the runs, and get stuck in your teeth. Small beer.

Red wine. (And grapes, but who needs them when red wine does the job too.) Grapes and red wine contain a substance called resveratrol - a strong antioxidant that can prevent cell damage. Red wine is also a good cure for a lot of things, really, but just watch you don’t overdo it. And don’t drive on it if you want to keep your license.

Green Tea. The flavonoids in green tea are thought to prevent the development of several types of cancer including colon, liver, breast, and prostate. Well, yeee haah. Become a tea granny. (Actually green tea tastes great, whatever its health promises.)

Blueberries. These are, of all berries, the best at providing you with cancer-fighting elements. Coincidentally they also stain your teeth, hands, and clothes, so you’re better off eating them in your bathtub. If you must eat them while dressed, ensure your clothing is a) ready to be thrown away or b) made out of utterly synthetic fabric (yuk!) and therefore immune to staining.

Mushrooms. Many mushrooms contain compounds that can help the body fight cancer. Some mushrooms may not help fight cancer but will make you fly at an altitude of 36,000 feet without an airplane. Some other mushrooms look very pretty but could kill you long before cancer gets a look in. Mushrooms are interesting.

Cruciferous vegetables. This includes such delights as broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and Brussels sprouts because they contain strong antioxidants which may help decrease cancer risk. They also tend to make you flatulent, so if you gorge yourself on them ensure you spend some time in the open air afterwards, or if you are indoors, seek some solitary “me-time.” At all costs avoid crowded public places, buses, and trains unless you want to be very, very unpopular.

Olive oil. Consume gallons of it. I mean gallons. Don’t just put it in salads or woks, frying pans etc. to cook foods but also use it to brush your teeth, massage your feet, lubricate your car, unstick jammed locks, open rusty jars. Take a bath in it. Seriously. According to the popular media it’s a cure-all that knows no equal. And if you have a bit of money to invest, buy an olive grove because this stuff is becoming a pop-media panacea. Just watch you don’t spill it on yourself because one thing it won’t help, is your dry cleaning bills.

Tomatoes. They contain a substance called lycopene which even my own doctors have said show some evidence of help in urinary cancers, especially those of the prostate. Don’t like the raw variety? That’s cool, because the lycopene in them is best released by cooking the toms in a bit of – guess what – olive oil. And should you find the odd one or two rotten ones in your kitchen, just save them to throw at your most hated politician. They work a treat.

Don’t drink neat spirits or other strong booze, to avoid mouth or esophageal cancer. Ensure you always take plenty of water with it. Other mixers are OK too but watch for the sweet ones – sugar is supposed to be bad for you, too, according to the manufacturers of artificial sweeteners. Then again, artificial sweeteners are supposed to be bad for you and even cause cancer, if you heed the research produced by “scientists” and paid for by the sugar producers. ZZZzzzzzz.

For more information? Try the popular press. For some real information about cancer in the UK (and it’s very useful if you’re in another country, too) check out Macmillan. They are truly amazing.

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