Hello again and how to prepare for a hospital stay
I'm back, having become an accomplished "urostomate" and of course, not having lost my sense of humour, I thought you might enjoy this little ditty (original author unknown):
How to prepare for the hospital
Going into the hospital is never fun to begin with, but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.
1. Lay stark naked on your lawn and ask a gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator.
2. Drink two litres of Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand firmly down into your food processor on the “chop” setting while practising your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Phillips (squarehead) screwdriver, stab yourself with a knitting needle and wrap several elastic bands very tightly around your upper arm.
6. Remove all fresh food from your house and replace it with "boil in the bag" culinary delights from the back of your freezer which you haven't defrosted in over 10 years.
7. With several strands of Christmas fairy lights strung from a coat stand and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall. One familiar with this, practise going to the washroom in similar fashion.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube and ensure you don't miss, even if you're a woman.
9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps' nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.
10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your partner ignore you completely as you plead for her/him to come and bring you a roll of paper.
Having spent three weeks in a UK hospital this year I find the above not quite so funny, as I might have otherwise. I wonder why?
How to prepare for the hospital
Going into the hospital is never fun to begin with, but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.
1. Lay stark naked on your lawn and ask a gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator.
2. Drink two litres of Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand firmly down into your food processor on the “chop” setting while practising your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Phillips (squarehead) screwdriver, stab yourself with a knitting needle and wrap several elastic bands very tightly around your upper arm.
6. Remove all fresh food from your house and replace it with "boil in the bag" culinary delights from the back of your freezer which you haven't defrosted in over 10 years.
7. With several strands of Christmas fairy lights strung from a coat stand and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall. One familiar with this, practise going to the washroom in similar fashion.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube and ensure you don't miss, even if you're a woman.
9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps' nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.
10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your partner ignore you completely as you plead for her/him to come and bring you a roll of paper.
Having spent three weeks in a UK hospital this year I find the above not quite so funny, as I might have otherwise. I wonder why?
posted by Suzan St Maur @ 7:48 PM
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