A crushing blow for pill poppers
I thought it was worth flagging up here as one of the drugs concerned is tamoxifen, a popular number amongst us breast cancer warriors. So be warned ... swallow it whole.
And talking of swallowing pills, here's some helpful advice for the next time you need to give a tablet to your cat:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding tablet in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop tablet into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve tablet from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw chewed-up tablet away.
4) Take new tablet from container, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push tablet to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve tablet from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop tablet down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another tablet from container. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Staffordshire figurines from window sill and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put tablet in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure tablet not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply antiseptic solution to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another tablet. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick tablet down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus booster. Throw T-shirt away and fetch clean one from bedroom.
12) Phone emergency services (fire department) to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into her own fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last tablet from container.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push tablet into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash tablet down.
14) Get friend to drive you to hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes tablet remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for local humane society to pick up cat. Phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
PS ... forget crushing tablets for cats, too. No matter how powerful the smell of sardines you use to mop up the powder and trick puddytat into consuming it, he or she will know there's something nasty in there and walk away. Trust me. That's the voice of experience talking.
Love to all