Hurray - the hosepipe is gone!
At my penultimate chemo session Thursday the nurse removed my PICC line (conduit through which chemo drugs are administered) as I had developed an infection at the point where the pipe entered the vein, in the crook of my right elbow. I had been awake half the night from the pain of it.
Erica, my onco nurse, dragged all 40-odd centimetres of it out of my arm and jauntily asked if I'd like to keep it as a souvenir. "Might come in handy to water the hanging baskets," I quipped, "or perhaps if I need to give an enema to one of the cats?" However in the end I declined.
The wretched thing developed leaks three times in five months, necessitating a long trip to another hospital to have it repaired each time. The problem? Mine was a newer, cheaper version of the old PICC lines which had never given any trouble. An example of our dear British Health Service trying to save money - something of a false economy in the circumstances.
Next week is my last session and I shall receive the chemo via a canula - for the uninitiated, a nasty scorpion-like device that bites into a vein on the back of your hand, strapped down tight, through which saline, drugs etc are pumped. But anything's better than that hosepipe 24/7.
Anyway, in the southern part of the UK drought conditions mean we are facing hosepipe bans. I will gladly ban that one - hopefully forever.
And here now, are some cheering thoughts if you are about to go into hospital for an op or procedure of some sort. I can't remember the original source of this but whoever wrote it, thanks a bunch...
~~~~~~~~~~
How to Prepare for the Hospital
Now, going to the hospital is never fun to begin with, but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.
10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your wife ignore you completely as you plead for her to come and bring you a roll of the paper gold.
11.Call up your local cable company and insist that they charge you a monthly fee every day of the week.
~~~~~~~~~~
All good wishes! SUZE
Erica, my onco nurse, dragged all 40-odd centimetres of it out of my arm and jauntily asked if I'd like to keep it as a souvenir. "Might come in handy to water the hanging baskets," I quipped, "or perhaps if I need to give an enema to one of the cats?" However in the end I declined.
The wretched thing developed leaks three times in five months, necessitating a long trip to another hospital to have it repaired each time. The problem? Mine was a newer, cheaper version of the old PICC lines which had never given any trouble. An example of our dear British Health Service trying to save money - something of a false economy in the circumstances.
Next week is my last session and I shall receive the chemo via a canula - for the uninitiated, a nasty scorpion-like device that bites into a vein on the back of your hand, strapped down tight, through which saline, drugs etc are pumped. But anything's better than that hosepipe 24/7.
Anyway, in the southern part of the UK drought conditions mean we are facing hosepipe bans. I will gladly ban that one - hopefully forever.
And here now, are some cheering thoughts if you are about to go into hospital for an op or procedure of some sort. I can't remember the original source of this but whoever wrote it, thanks a bunch...
~~~~~~~~~~
How to Prepare for the Hospital
Now, going to the hospital is never fun to begin with, but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.
10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your wife ignore you completely as you plead for her to come and bring you a roll of the paper gold.
11.Call up your local cable company and insist that they charge you a monthly fee every day of the week.
~~~~~~~~~~
All good wishes! SUZE
posted by Suzan St Maur @ 10:35 AM
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