Will I need first aid for chemo?

Well, I'm into the final countdown to chemo now. Tomorrow (Nov 2) I go to have a PICC line fitted and the day after (Nov 3) I get the first blast. That's the first of 8 sessions taking place at three week intervals.

I bought a wig today; not costing a fortune, but a nice one. I picked my son up from the school bus and he wore it all the way home. I think we may fall out over that one, but - the wig being blonde and streaky - I suspect he'll chicken out of wearing it in front of his pals. It's far too girly. His girlfriend may have something to say on that issue too.

I have to say, I'm nervous about my first chemo session.

But not as nervous as I would be if treated by exponents of the following First Aid practices...my thanks go to the UK-based Laurence Harris for his invaluable input.

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TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS
Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

ELECTROCUTION
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to jump start the motor as well if need be.

FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb, as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

CHOKING ON FOOD
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

CUTS AND WOUNDS
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. ie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

OBJECTS STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

CONCUSSION
When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes
to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something."