Cancer Comic Strip

My name is Suzan St Maur and I've had cancer twice. I find that humor helps me get through my cancer, and from what I understand it helps many others too. This blog is dedicated not to information about the disease, but to cancer warriors and their relatives/friends who just want some cheering chuckles. By all means share your funny stories and jokes with us - email them to suze @ suzanstmaur.com (If you want to know more about me see my profile on here or http://HowToWriteBetter.net)

Friday, September 30, 2005

OK ... now here are the docs' REAL notes...

Have you ever wondered why sometimes your hospital care isn't quite on target in your view? The following examples from doctors' notes may help you understand why. (With thanks to the poor martyrs who collected the following for our information.)

DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


Hey, you have a good weekend if you can! I'll probably be back before Monday. But if you have any stories (true or not-but-funny) to share, please either post them as comments or email them to me and I'll post them on your behalf. Just go:

suze@suzanstmaur.com

(and no spam, please....)

2 Comments:

  • At 3:50 PM , Blogger Robin Bayne said...

    True story--they made me spend the night last month after my surgery--and I felt funny that none of the nurses seemed to make eye contact or small talk with me. The next morning I woke to find there was a sign over my bed stating, "Visually Impaired," which of course I am not. LOL

     
  • At 4:10 PM , Blogger Suzan St Maur said...

    That's incredible, Robin. It's quite scary when you realize that truth can be stranger than fiction AND funnier than jokes!

    SUZE

     

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