Latest news: vegetables are dangerous

If I read any more stories about the health-giving properties of broccoli (see "Beautiful Broccoli" here) I will scream. It's all lies. In fact I now think broccoli is the most dangerous vegetable of all. I don't care if prevents cancer - it was directly to blame for a grievous accident last night...

Having choked on a floret of that brutal brassica, I trotted off to the washroom rather than entertain my dinner guests with the unappetizing sound effects of coughing and spluttering. On my way there my foot caught on a cable and over I went on my ankle.

Damn and curse the dreaded broccoli! Boy, did I turn the air the colour of blueberries with my folkloric words and phrases!

Now I have a foot that looks like a ripe aubergine and feels like someone dropped a giant pumpkin on it. Can't drive, can't walk without shuffling as if I had a ball and chain attached to that foot, and can't remember where I left my sense of humour. (In the vegetable rack, maybe?)

Ah well, I suppose that's all part of getting older. If you're a baby boomer, like me, you'll appreciate these suitably re-written song titles:

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Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"

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Don't forget to eat your greens ... carefully.