tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-160874862024-03-07T07:57:25.361+00:00Cancer Comic StripMy name is Suzan St Maur and I've had cancer twice. I find that humor helps me get through my cancer, and from what I understand it helps many others too. This blog is dedicated not to information about the disease, but to cancer warriors and their relatives/friends who just want some cheering chuckles. By all means share your funny stories and jokes with us - email them to suze @ suzanstmaur.com (If you want to know more about me see my profile on here or http://HowToWriteBetter.net)Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.comBlogger144125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-66669176122659905102011-09-22T21:25:00.000+01:002011-09-22T21:25:07.626+01:00Old age: is there any point?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNWBHIvyKpom4q2OEE-iEH-T1XaXgpRHQl7hcZpEAZrNaoPvY0-hLzFFag4EAxTN0v_XNdCcP0oqdaDs5s0k0ly0aDHON3nd5pYKsMIc0TUVTQc40xwC2F7dlaAoK9wz0LHuUz/s1600/CCS+old+man+right.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNWBHIvyKpom4q2OEE-iEH-T1XaXgpRHQl7hcZpEAZrNaoPvY0-hLzFFag4EAxTN0v_XNdCcP0oqdaDs5s0k0ly0aDHON3nd5pYKsMIc0TUVTQc40xwC2F7dlaAoK9wz0LHuUz/s200/CCS+old+man+right.jpg" /></a></div>Lovely story I tripped over on the internet recently ...<br />
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"I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. <br />
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A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "do you think I'll live to be 90?"<br />
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He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" <br />
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"Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."<br />
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Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" <br />
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I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."<br />
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"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Like playing golf? Go sailing? Go ballooning? Motorcycling? Rock climbing?" <br />
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"No I don't", I said.<br />
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He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"<br />
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"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."<br />
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He looked at me sternly.<br />
<br />
"Then why do you give a sh*t if you live to be 90?"<br />
<br />
Absolutely right...Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-39064652934081662692011-06-30T11:41:00.000+01:002011-06-30T11:41:49.044+01:00What's in a (doctor's) name?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimU3_tRmPOZBd5NgmC3fgAL4WS8IuN-r2g1FBUib-XzjPLSnfYmSUn1kKKluinW-sqjIJ7CZtxo07AfKodmtAZ1bYEip5dGNOjsYVyDIo2BuoKmM49ZUsjh4FmwaLnLoKCDPiL/s1600/HTWB+doctors+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="153" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimU3_tRmPOZBd5NgmC3fgAL4WS8IuN-r2g1FBUib-XzjPLSnfYmSUn1kKKluinW-sqjIJ7CZtxo07AfKodmtAZ1bYEip5dGNOjsYVyDIo2BuoKmM49ZUsjh4FmwaLnLoKCDPiL/s200/HTWB+doctors+1.jpg" /></a></div><b>The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist</b><br />
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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.<br />
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Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. <br />
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They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.<br />
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So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. <br />
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"Catatonics and High Colonics" - no go. <br />
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Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again. <br />
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Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. <br />
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Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! <br />
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So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance. <br />
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"Nuts and Butts" - no way. <br />
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"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. <br />
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"Loons and Moons" - forget it. <br />
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Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with... <br />
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<b><i>"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends"</i></b> <br />
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Everyone loved it...<br />
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If you want some help with your business or social writing, come and see me on <a href="http://howtowritebetter.net">HowToWriteBetter.net</a>.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-64061076892002186332011-06-17T10:30:00.000+01:002011-06-17T10:30:20.549+01:00How to prevent cancer: yeah, right...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCkd6iPfzhAdUAYV23W-Bwelqr1QP-tEdglz4gLRHsG9XTaQA9qDDQX_8qKJH2XsvI4JZCzAFNGeA2gJojdDymTlAc_AfqQ44Tb69pqydnUBBEf89_7my0ywYaP-EoOfm_w9ca/s1600/HTWB+respond+NOW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="156" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCkd6iPfzhAdUAYV23W-Bwelqr1QP-tEdglz4gLRHsG9XTaQA9qDDQX_8qKJH2XsvI4JZCzAFNGeA2gJojdDymTlAc_AfqQ44Tb69pqydnUBBEf89_7my0ywYaP-EoOfm_w9ca/s200/HTWB+respond+NOW.jpg" /></a></div><b>Here are some incredibly useful tips based on what is promoted by the, er, shall we say, more romantic popular press who just love to put some oomph into their stories…</b><br />
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<b>ACTIONS: WHAT TO DO</b><br />
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<b>Buy and use some ear plugs.</b> They obviate the need for you to listen in bed to a partner whose snoring is louder than a racing car performing at full revs two feet away, thereby significantly reducing your cancer-causing stress hormone levels. Also work well for screaming kids, arguing families, neighbours doing noisy <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jiggy%20jiggy&defid=2497016">jiggy-jiggy</a> next door, construction workers in the street using pneumatic drills (jackhammers) etc.<br />
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<b>Move to a remote island without electricity.</b> This avoids the danger of living near nuclear power stations or electricity pylons which as any popular journalist knows have been a hopeful source of cancer causing something-or-other, for some time.<br />
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<b>Keep and use carrier pigeons.</b> This will ensure that you don’t succumb to the threats of brain tumours arising from mobile phone (cellphone) usage. After many, many years of the media desperately hoping to accuse it of triggering cancer, a <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2003391/Brain-cancer-soar-20-fold-20-years-mobile-phones-experts-warn.html">bit of research</a> has finally hinted that this could be true. <br />
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<b>If you’re a woman and live in the UK, get a facelift and have some Botox treatments.</b> It seems, according to <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2004040/Breast-cancer-Thousands-denied-life-saving-surgery-doctors-base-treatment-age.html">pop journalists</a>, that the younger you are (or appear to be) the more likely you are to get a partial or total mastectomy for breast cancer. It appears that if you’re over 70, forget it – either go private or get a sharp carving knife and do it yourself. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhur98pkqe6CP1cV5ZnEz7jZdTYgMxBouFRQleFBZ9cAXx97D44RtCfDahQJbIxoL4aQ679C1t2umOlwMNbpIZFfFBrYGrealEHp32Mz0MSCbL8FenUHavWKTaWiIwI_b2C3Ki2/s1600/CCS+fat+man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="150" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhur98pkqe6CP1cV5ZnEz7jZdTYgMxBouFRQleFBZ9cAXx97D44RtCfDahQJbIxoL4aQ679C1t2umOlwMNbpIZFfFBrYGrealEHp32Mz0MSCbL8FenUHavWKTaWiIwI_b2C3Ki2/s200/CCS+fat+man.jpg" /></a></div><b>Stop feeding your teenage kids.</b> Seems that if they’re <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2004039/Teenager-obesity-raises-cancer-risk-warn-scientists.html">overweight by 18</a> they’re more likely to get cancer and you don’t want to put them at risk now, do you? This a great excuse to stop paying for junk food treats and save money by feeding them low fat bread, water and the occasional few boiled vegetables and stewed meat. Helps the family budget, big time.<br />
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<b>You stop eating, too.</b> This way you will lose weight so your BMI gets down to whatever it’s supposed to be, er, this week. Spend the money you save on a lovely sunshine holiday … oh, no, wait … a cloudy holiday.<br />
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<b>Invest in black curtains and keep yourself away from the sun at all times to avoid skin cancer.</b> But hold on a moment … ah, you need to get about 10-20 minutes of sun a day to make enough Vitamin D to help keep your bones healthy. And that’s bare skin, none of your SPF 50 stuff. Your call?<br />
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<b>FOOD AND DRINK: WHAT TO CONSUME</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQpYfGar5FT5NH7e81m0QX6B2pu0taZ36PDXfAgcqAenfrSHQgERYjm6PUp1-tRvLo5F3CoRqbqUA_IigKRaeVlLY6khf42_WomduroPgyd-hnHe63spULGe8gYNr8FmvQc-hk/s1600/CCS+vampire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="199" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQpYfGar5FT5NH7e81m0QX6B2pu0taZ36PDXfAgcqAenfrSHQgERYjm6PUp1-tRvLo5F3CoRqbqUA_IigKRaeVlLY6khf42_WomduroPgyd-hnHe63spULGe8gYNr8FmvQc-hk/s200/CCS+vampire.jpg" /></a></div><b>Garlic.</b> Lots and lots of it. It is said to have many cancer-preventing properties, not least of which is that the smell of your breath is enough to keep potential cancer cells cowering in horror. Also very handy for warding off vampires, fellow bus or train passengers, close colleagues, etc.<br />
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<b>Onions.</b> Ditto re: garlic as the two veggies are from the same family. Onions don’t necessarily make your breath smell like that of a polecat on heat, but they can get their revenge by challenging your rear end to keep quiet and smell free. Eat at your peril.<br />
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<b>Dark Leafy Greens.</b> They are good sources of the antioxidants called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carotenoids">carotenoids</a> which scavenge free radicals from the body before they can kickstart cancer, OK? Depending on which sort they are they can also turn your wee-wee a strange colour, give you the runs, and get stuck in your teeth. Small beer.<br />
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<b>Red wine.</b> (And grapes, but who needs them when red wine does the job too.) Grapes and red wine contain a substance called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resveratrol">resveratrol</a> - a strong antioxidant that can prevent cell damage. Red wine is also a good cure for a lot of things, really, but just watch you don’t overdo it. And don’t drive on it if you want to keep your license.<br />
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<b>Green Tea.</b> The <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flavonoid">flavonoids</a> in green tea are thought to prevent the development of several types of cancer including colon, liver, breast, and prostate. Well, yeee haah. Become a tea granny. (Actually green tea tastes great, whatever its health promises.)<br />
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<b>Blueberries.</b> These are, of all berries, the best at providing you with cancer-fighting elements. Coincidentally they also stain your teeth, hands, and clothes, so you’re better off eating them in your bathtub. If you must eat them while dressed, ensure your clothing is a) ready to be thrown away or b) made out of utterly synthetic fabric (yuk!) and therefore immune to staining.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjezEpd-xIHcv-JkNe7Q8jCyA0Pfh_L0o8un6tnKQFg2NOV0-DRkQkyv-_WCeoXLIHQ-tFY3yO7P3oGldX2QB4fD1z1R1vFy6YWpzpQOWasmNqBe3MlYTADdLOfwU9I198sf3Za/s1600/Toadstools+004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjezEpd-xIHcv-JkNe7Q8jCyA0Pfh_L0o8un6tnKQFg2NOV0-DRkQkyv-_WCeoXLIHQ-tFY3yO7P3oGldX2QB4fD1z1R1vFy6YWpzpQOWasmNqBe3MlYTADdLOfwU9I198sf3Za/s200/Toadstools+004.jpg" /></a></div><b>Mushrooms.</b> Many mushrooms contain compounds that can help the body fight cancer. Some mushrooms may not help fight cancer but will make you fly at an altitude of 36,000 feet without an airplane. Some other mushrooms look very pretty but could kill you long before cancer gets a look in. Mushrooms are interesting.<br />
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<b>Cruciferous vegetables.</b> This includes such delights as broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and Brussels sprouts because they contain strong antioxidants which may help decrease cancer risk. They also tend to make you flatulent, so if you gorge yourself on them ensure you spend some time in the open air afterwards, or if you are indoors, seek some solitary “me-time.” At all costs avoid crowded public places, buses, and trains unless you want to be very, very unpopular.<br />
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<b>Olive oil.</b> Consume gallons of it. I mean gallons. Don’t just put it in salads or woks, frying pans etc. to cook foods but also use it to brush your teeth, massage your feet, lubricate your car, unstick jammed locks, open rusty jars. Take a bath in it. Seriously. According to the <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2004076/Olive-oil-used-cooking-salads-cuts-stroke-risk-41.html">popular media</a> it’s a cure-all that knows no equal. And if you have a bit of money to invest, buy an olive grove because this stuff is becoming a pop-media panacea. Just watch you don’t spill it on yourself because one thing it won’t help, is your dry cleaning bills.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8xtXAgBYNpBGL1hbHcT8vffsk7Rr2yt1t42B_sm2xZJ9zFs1Xiu1WImA7yECmBC30UCJQQU4APAYPUTqMTwDC8BKc8xiKk9wfyliPVudXF0uDWZHCrMt_lOgm78_C8XFkGrT/s1600/CCS+tomatoes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="133" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8xtXAgBYNpBGL1hbHcT8vffsk7Rr2yt1t42B_sm2xZJ9zFs1Xiu1WImA7yECmBC30UCJQQU4APAYPUTqMTwDC8BKc8xiKk9wfyliPVudXF0uDWZHCrMt_lOgm78_C8XFkGrT/s200/CCS+tomatoes.jpg" /></a></div><b>Tomatoes.</b> They contain a substance called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lycopene">lycopene</a> which even my own doctors have said show some evidence of help in urinary cancers, especially those of the prostate. Don’t like the raw variety? That’s cool, because the lycopene in them is best released by cooking the toms in a bit of – guess what – olive oil. And should you find the odd one or two rotten ones in your kitchen, just save them to throw at your most hated politician. They work a treat. <br />
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<b>Don’t drink neat spirits or other strong booze, to avoid mouth or esophageal cancer.</b> Ensure you always take plenty of water with it. Other mixers are OK too but watch for the sweet ones – sugar is supposed to be bad for you, too, according to the manufacturers of artificial sweeteners. Then again, artificial sweeteners are supposed to be bad for you and even cause cancer, if you heed the research produced by “scientists” and paid for by the sugar producers. ZZZzzzzzz. <br />
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For more information? Try the popular press. For some real information about cancer in the UK (and it’s very useful if you’re in another country, too) check out <a href="http://macmillan.org">Macmillan</a>. They are truly amazing.<br />
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<i>If you want to know what I do for a day job (and maybe need some help with your writing) check me out on <a href="http://howtowritebetter.net">HowToWriteBetter.net</a>.</i>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-26043529289580734122011-06-02T19:32:00.002+01:002011-06-03T12:14:08.771+01:00Can you shout that a bit louder, please?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtGbxPyKR7qqPQONPuntdeV5Ho54CEoz4VySBXsUG0aFCjRvA7zD3uh2lTx5I-uN-RhlqyFYitp6eJMvOLA57l00XlEXMAaE4IBQSI13aGwF-ihUDwFFXz1FLPpvZTFYG4RDuu/s1600/CCS+surprise+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="149" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtGbxPyKR7qqPQONPuntdeV5Ho54CEoz4VySBXsUG0aFCjRvA7zD3uh2lTx5I-uN-RhlqyFYitp6eJMvOLA57l00XlEXMAaE4IBQSI13aGwF-ihUDwFFXz1FLPpvZTFYG4RDuu/s200/CCS+surprise+1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Hello again and welcome to an amusing little scenario that happened to me yesterday.<br />
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Picture this example of what should have been the filming of some reality TV...<br />
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<b>SCENE:</b> Interior, waiting area stretching across what amounts to a long, wide corridor - large radiology department of even larger British hospital...about 40 people sitting around waiting, some anxious, some thrilled (well, the pregnant women waiting for ultrasounds, anyway) others chatting, reading, staring out of window.<br />
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<b>NURSE:</b> (AT FAR END OF SPACE, SHOUTING ACROSS ALL OTHER PATIENTS WAITING) Suzan St Maur please!<br />
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<b>SUZE:</b> (AT OTHER END OF SPACE, SHOUTING BACK) Won't be a moment, just going to the Ladies' Room quickly!<br />
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<b>NURSE:</b> (STILL SHOUTING) No, we're doing your kidneys, you must have a full bladder!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKRUj_m1UjmDNeoFzifvWiUOQdLgp91G0uVuEWcbfOnIONM95DRESUd01W5GBLdAPOKsOpkslPBLuaM7QPG72-lViVKLvZmxJMGfnqStKV8J_bF1warHNujKQ8GqwvDEO_CCeJ/s1600/urostomy+pouch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="109" width="110" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKRUj_m1UjmDNeoFzifvWiUOQdLgp91G0uVuEWcbfOnIONM95DRESUd01W5GBLdAPOKsOpkslPBLuaM7QPG72-lViVKLvZmxJMGfnqStKV8J_bF1warHNujKQ8GqwvDEO_CCeJ/s200/urostomy+pouch.jpg" /></a></div><b>SUZE:</b> (THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN SHOUTING) I haven't GOT a bladder! <a href="http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/type/bladder-cancer/treatment/invasive/surgery/types-of-surgery-for-invasive-bladder-cancer#rad">I wee into a bag</a>!<br />
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<b>SOUND EFFECTS:</b> Total silence, followed by noise of 40-odd lower jaws hitting the floor.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0obu7BvKlpPuTzmUy6Y21SJkeW-MX7N4_wyt_TGmUHoZsMfbU2HgyHWyDv6lNNnP_yPGgFAPf8uKOhkoVq6mqtUdTSokAOdIYA54bHDbRaxcBD725Sxwup0g4nXMC8bYqsWwh/s1600/CCS+surprise+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0obu7BvKlpPuTzmUy6Y21SJkeW-MX7N4_wyt_TGmUHoZsMfbU2HgyHWyDv6lNNnP_yPGgFAPf8uKOhkoVq6mqtUdTSokAOdIYA54bHDbRaxcBD725Sxwup0g4nXMC8bYqsWwh/s200/CCS+surprise+2.jpg" /></a></div>40-odd heads swivel as if on tripods as Suze walks cheerfully past them to join exceedingly embarrassed and flustered nurse at other end of space. Flustered nurse begins apologizing profusely until she realizes Suze is convulsed with laughter, so starts laughing too.<br />
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Happy ending. (And my kidneys are OK for now.)<br />
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What news from you? Please share in a comment here.<br />
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Sz xx<br />
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PS ... if you want to see what I do for a day job (a site called <b>HowToWriteBetter.net<a href="http://howtowritebetter.net"></a></b>) <a href="http://howtowritebetter.net">click here</a>. I look forward to catching up with you there.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-23719773511182233222011-03-28T11:40:00.000+01:002011-03-28T11:40:57.437+01:00NHS cuts in the UK: at last, some truly realistic proposals<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAHGSC3fpCikfpPmujWzJuEwyZ6gJQYjz4-sX4GhCOh8pd23_PTse5fSLkABOl43aM7VZqqPO4fuh7_4-TYLN-T0j8CvAV8uEHpYkRj3sdjt_gxMA8chywhHgQqM3fUQv_DvRa/s1600/CCS+NHS+cuts+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="154" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAHGSC3fpCikfpPmujWzJuEwyZ6gJQYjz4-sX4GhCOh8pd23_PTse5fSLkABOl43aM7VZqqPO4fuh7_4-TYLN-T0j8CvAV8uEHpYkRj3sdjt_gxMA8chywhHgQqM3fUQv_DvRa/s200/CCS+NHS+cuts+1.jpg" /></a></div>Here in the UK we, like many other nations, have suffered a great deal as a result of the recent recession. Despite our government assuring us that the National Health Service (NHS) - which provides free healthcare for the population – is not going to suffer serious cuts, in effect and all that, the reality may be somewhat different.<br />
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However instead of looking at cuts that could affect the delivery of cancer services along with many other vital functions, perhaps the NHS could do without the following measures to improve cost-effectiveness:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgtFYXQLogwyhSm-c0ogHP8fqZaEoGW594K1JOaFkbFDZOzDOQQKVnWAf-N0Mck6hFDhuAC0QqXuAkOGq2VzQIVNJTaGmMwahY5-aYuvO1kUTpbAR-e8NuVn7dUXK3Hf6yoDDJ/s1600/CCS+NHS+cuts+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="126" width="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgtFYXQLogwyhSm-c0ogHP8fqZaEoGW594K1JOaFkbFDZOzDOQQKVnWAf-N0Mck6hFDhuAC0QqXuAkOGq2VzQIVNJTaGmMwahY5-aYuvO1kUTpbAR-e8NuVn7dUXK3Hf6yoDDJ/s200/CCS+NHS+cuts+2.jpg" /></a></div><b>Parking control gates and pay machines:</b> expensive technology and half of them don’t work properly. Removal of these would more than compensate for the loss of parking payment revenue. All they would need now is one security guard patrolling with a large Pitbull Terrier trained to bite anyone sneaking guiltily back to their car laden with shopping bags from Tesco, Waitrose, Sainsbury, etc.<br />
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<b>Hand sanitizers:</b> silly little squirty boxes used mostly these days for visitors to hang their bags on while waiting for the ward doors to open immediately prior to visiting time. Far more effective – and cheaper – is to sit visitors on those awful plastic chairs at least 2 metres away from patients to avoid infection, preferably facing away from said patients. And while we’re about it why not sit them outdoors (where appropriate, i.e. probably not outside a 17th floor ward) looking into the ward where their folks are? Easy and cheap!<br />
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<b>Extensive male and female toilets:</b> oblige all in-patients to have urinary catheters fitted on admission and be hooked up to wee-wee bags. OK, the infection rate might rise a bit, but toilet numbers could be reduced substantially with consequently large cost savings on cleaning, plumbing repairs, removal of graffiti, etc. – a mere bagatelle compared with the cost of NICE’s latest approved bargain-basement drugs for UTIs. Frequent visitors could be offered urinary catheterisation too, to save them using visitors’ toilets which could then be reduced to a few in a shed by the main door.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoE0cM0a-zHm-joTwtwdvHyEkkB4z87yeN4tDI-BZRZ4s36JjXqm4qKKzCWBGGhUWYrFnz03weVUmh0ILRwoIJ3vyMmKRjfOrgeZH8x2OSMhR8BbuVWyNn6b0JLLEvYdrI8q0C/s1600/CCS+NHS+cuts+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="130" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoE0cM0a-zHm-joTwtwdvHyEkkB4z87yeN4tDI-BZRZ4s36JjXqm4qKKzCWBGGhUWYrFnz03weVUmh0ILRwoIJ3vyMmKRjfOrgeZH8x2OSMhR8BbuVWyNn6b0JLLEvYdrI8q0C/s200/CCS+NHS+cuts+3.jpg" /></a></div><b>Restaurants and cafés:</b> oh, please! Who are we trying to kid? We all know that hospital food is bland, cheap and boring. So dressing that up in cutesy bright coloured packaging and calling it “Tasty Delights from the Hospital Bistro Stinko” ain’t going to impress anyone. Let’s just call it all “sludge” and be done with it. Dispense it from the rented slot machines along with the fizzy-pop drinks, stale cakes and cheap potato snacks.<br />
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<b>TV, radio, internet, telephone, the latest from the Starship Enterprise and messages from outer space at your bedside:</b> half the time these fancy systems cost fortunes to use. They’re manned and monitored by nice people who sweep by every few days on the ward asking if yours is working OK, because a) it usually isn’t and b) if it is most of us don’t know how to switch it on, never mind use it. I know the NHS probably gets a kick back from the companies providing these services but at what expense of having to dust and clean the damned things? Anyway, whatever happened to good old-fashioned (and free) hospital radio?<br />
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<b>Hospital shops manned by volunteers:</b> OK, an opportunity to use volunteers to sell books, magazines, gifts etc. to guilty visitors when they turn up and realise they’ve forgotten to bring some sort of goody to cheer up the patient their visiting. But that’s the visitors’ problem. Tell them to go across the street and buy that stuff from a supermarket or corner store, so freeing up volunteers to make tea and coffee for the patients – and/or staff - instead.<br />
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<b>And what about out in the community?</b> Take the automated, screen-based check-in facilities when you come to visit your GP, for example. You tap the screen with your finger and after asking you a few brainless question the computer usually finds you and checks you in. Of course it’s too easy to say hi to the receptionist you’ve known for 20 years so she knows you’re here for your appointment? People are cheaper – and a lot friendlier.<br />
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What tips have you got to help the NHS make some truly realistic cuts in the United Kingdom? Please share them here, no matter how outrageous!<br />
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Check out what I do for the day-job on <a href="http://howtowritebetter.net">HowToWriteBetter.net</a>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-80934381682807154052011-03-22T17:34:00.008+00:002011-03-26T14:39:46.862+00:0010 reasons why I love my urostomy pouch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqOUzvWzOlHU3i-DUeKVCRGqvdMJD4p95M8tgBw5N3SEaWevGlAchmH7hG83o3Wc9HXu4A5h4KahLFuDZvIxm8grcrQxOAnzC_hULg9a2JjiQ6RbCq6GTD5fmgN40zGvw7ahg8/s1600/Suze+Dec+2010+small+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="179" width="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqOUzvWzOlHU3i-DUeKVCRGqvdMJD4p95M8tgBw5N3SEaWevGlAchmH7hG83o3Wc9HXu4A5h4KahLFuDZvIxm8grcrQxOAnzC_hULg9a2JjiQ6RbCq6GTD5fmgN40zGvw7ahg8/s400/Suze+Dec+2010+small+pic.jpg" /></a></div><br />
The other day I received my valued copy of the Urostomy Association Journal and was perusing the contents page when I spotted the title of an article. "Ha! That looks like something I might write," I said to myself. I duly turned to page 40 and saw my own face staring up at me. "Ha again!" I said to the dogs. "This explains it. I did write it."<br />
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In fairness to my senior moment it has been a few months since I wrote that but I still felt a prize idiot. So as a penance (and also to share it with you as I don't believe the Urostomy Association Journal has an online presence yet) here it is...<br />
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<strong>10 REASONS WHY I LOVE MY UROSTOMY POUCH</strong><br />
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<em>By Suzan St Maur</em><br />
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I know that many people with stomas prefer a very sensitive and private approach to dealing with them, but during my whole journey through bladder cancer (plus a short detour into unrelated breast cancer along the way) I’ve found that openness and humour have helped me – and quite a few others – to deal with the trials and tribulations. <br />
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That’s one of the reasons why back in 2005 when I had been dealing with bladder cancer for 2 years and then was diagnosed with the breast tumour, I started my online “blog,” Cancer Comic Strip. <br />
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The other reason why that came about was because around the same time a good friend of mine with metastatic colon cancer, who had been given three months to live some 5 years earlier and is still going strong today, called me to complain that there were no good cancer-related jokes on the internet so get on and provide some. Off I went and did it. Check it out if you want some chuckles! (NB: I do NOT sell advertising space, sorry stoma product retailers - it’s non-commercial.)<br />
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<strong>The Big Chop: an inevitable next step</strong><br />
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Anyway after more or less keeping the bladder cancer under control across 7 years of TURBTs, BCG instillations, BCG and Interferon instillations etc. etc. my consultant finally said words to the effect of “let’s cut the cr*p and get your bladder our before the cancer decides to go walkabout.” I had a radical cystectomy with formation of ileal conduit in May 2010 and am now the proud wearer of a wee bag.<br />
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I remember sitting on the loo in the hospital the morning of the operation and thinking, “this is the last time I will pee in the conventional manner.” An historical milestone! At the time I was a little apprehensive of how things would work out. But now, 6 months later (as I write this) I am counting my blessings. Here’s why...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCI9ikSaYF1bZNUDWT5Gqkp0P9Z8YiJ9afAupHbi7-6Wn9_zutMC3G1bvBuB8yax29xrTXXmB5IUZo5T7S8vyc-0O7JuR_jtql3LQw7sUXZ8whoQV0A9H145FYee9hJWQyMBn-/s1600/urostomy+pouch.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 110px; height: 109px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCI9ikSaYF1bZNUDWT5Gqkp0P9Z8YiJ9afAupHbi7-6Wn9_zutMC3G1bvBuB8yax29xrTXXmB5IUZo5T7S8vyc-0O7JuR_jtql3LQw7sUXZ8whoQV0A9H145FYee9hJWQyMBn-/s400/urostomy+pouch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586962745246609250" /></a>1.Having had the RC and knowing that the cancer had not even infiltrated the muscle wall, chances of it having spread beyond my bladder are pretty small.<br />
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2.As my consultant whipped out my “girlie bits” at the same time as my bladder I know that I can’t get ovarian, cervical or endometrial cancer. (Useful as I’ve had breast cancer already.) <br />
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3.The lymph nodes taken out all tested negative, and I’m assured I won’t get lymphaedema in my nether regions in the same way as I have in the mastectomy-side arm. <br />
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4.Six months post-surgery my conduit is working well and my kidneys show up as normal size on ultrasound.<br />
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5.I’ve only experienced two leaks since using a pouch – on both occasions the pouch had been applied by a stoma nurse. This is something my local stoma girls do not find in the slightest bit amusing, especially when I remind them of it.<br />
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6.Never again will I have to sit on some dubious seat in an even more dubious ladies’ room, because now I empty into the toilet bowl from a safe distance.<br />
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7.I now pee like a man, standing facing the back wall of a toilet cubicle. This is a source of much fascination for anyone weird enough to peer under the partition, seeing a lady going wee-wees with her feet pointing in the wrong direction.<br />
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8.If my pouch becomes full while I’m driving along a country lane, I merely pull over into a gateway, hide behind the car, and empty it. If I’m helping at a horse show (regular hobby) I don’t have to walk through half a mile of mud to use the horrible portable toilets; I just go behind a bush.<br />
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9.If my pouch becomes full while I’m sat in a traffic jam I know I should have a nightbag to keep in the car, but in the meantime I just use an empty Coke bottle.<br />
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10.Wearing a pouch sure beats the hell out of dealing with the pain, burning and other discomfort associated with “conservative” bladder cancer treatments. <br />
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Can anyone else add some reasons to be grateful for the wee bag? I’m sure I’ve left some out...<br />
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<em>Suzan St Maur is a freelance writing coach & editor, as well as being the author of over 20 nonfiction books of her own on a variety of topics. You can catch up with her latest ways of helping you write better at <a href="http://howtowritebetter.net">HowToWriteBetter.net</a> </em>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-13786832759586681092011-01-08T19:39:00.003+00:002011-01-08T20:08:06.484+00:00Gosh, I'm a famous author (huh?)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhirdp-8EOo5ZznKILUeBVhgstVFxkDCEEowDlrOcyyQThA9VtnAaf0aOoRzznLfcXfddZkhcCwpWxteLl7lZhSnMu3zm3lZsvM-YY6RuhBMcjzAp2LsxCsVwxkRsMvRw9CgPG5/s1600/NGH.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 182px; height: 146px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhirdp-8EOo5ZznKILUeBVhgstVFxkDCEEowDlrOcyyQThA9VtnAaf0aOoRzznLfcXfddZkhcCwpWxteLl7lZhSnMu3zm3lZsvM-YY6RuhBMcjzAp2LsxCsVwxkRsMvRw9CgPG5/s400/NGH.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5559907638538711890" /></a><br />Today saw me experiencing a trip down memory lane with very mixed feelings ... a return to dear old Willow Ward at <a href="http://www.northamptongeneral.nhs.uk/Home.aspx">Northampton General Hospital</a> where my cancerous bladder and various other (thankfully non-cancerous) organs were removed and recycled into the incinerator last May.<br /><br />Purpose was to see my good friend Gillian who got there several weeks before me last May and is still there ... having been through the most awful time with surgery that went wrong, numerous other complications and a medical horror story that would shock a zombie or vampire. Thankfully she is finally on the mend.<br /><br />As I passed by the nurses' station I caught site of a nice young HCA (<a href="http://www.nhscareers.nhs.uk/details/Default.aspx?Id=485">health care assistant</a> a.k.a. nursing auxiliary in old money) and said hello - I remembered him from my spell there. <br /><br />"Hi, how are you now?" he replied.<br /><br />"Surely to God you don't remember me?"<br /><br />"Yes, I do. You're the author."<br /><br />Fame at last! With the hundreds of women passing through that surgical ward he actually remembered "<em>moi</em>," because I, er, well ... wait a minute.<br /><br />He probably remembered me after my late night ramblings, off my face on <a href="http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100000065.html">oramorph</a>, when I expect I bored him and the other staff witless with ramblings about my books. <br /><br />As my mind turned to "Heaven only knows what else I bored the poor lad with" I was tempted to slink out of there in shame.<br /><br />But as I left he waved goodbye and asked me what new books I've got coming out. I told him (another one about horse jokes) ... but I kind of wished I had written one about the lovely, lovely staff on that acute surgical ward and the deep personal interest they take in all their patients.<br /><br />I know the British <a href="http://www.nhs.uk/Pages/HomePage.aspx">NHS</a> (National Health Service) has its faults, but you can't beat the dedication of its people.<br /><br />And on a lighter note, enjoy this lovely old (pre-prohibition of flowers in hospitals) story ... how many nurses wish they had the chutzpah to do this?<br /><br /><em>A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.<br /><br />None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."<br /><br />After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.<br /><br />"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.<br /><br />After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"<br /><br />She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.<br /><br />"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.<br /><br />Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"<br /><br />After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."</em>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-3529792897682935042011-01-01T14:12:00.007+00:002011-01-01T14:37:48.373+00:00Wee-Wee WhoopsieHappy New Year! And if you're thinking that you haven't much to celebrate, oh yes you have ... as a dear friend who at the age of 50 has advanced Multiple Sclerosis and I were saying on the phone earlier, "we're still here!" And if you're reading this, so are you.<br /><br />I was just marking up my shiny new 2011 calendar with a string of medical appointments including one to visit the stoma nurses on January 20th. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSiFpjzhvRNCwMC85XlBFLp8AI_hLvfxSz-n91rVF0joM2QxUM9AJkD3epeNy_eWRo1y4UUKpYseldObXl05oJK4PljhD4P7iPJkYnjfP5fiDHm6LIP5p9nH8c86pjJDYrPHLT/s1600/urostomy+pouch.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 110px; height: 109px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSiFpjzhvRNCwMC85XlBFLp8AI_hLvfxSz-n91rVF0joM2QxUM9AJkD3epeNy_eWRo1y4UUKpYseldObXl05oJK4PljhD4P7iPJkYnjfP5fiDHm6LIP5p9nH8c86pjJDYrPHLT/s400/urostomy+pouch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557224500696931858" /></a>The last time I went to have my urostomy checked out I thought I would entertain the nurse by telling her how the only two times I have experienced a wee-wee leak were times when the appliance was put on by a stoma nurse.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2V3sA7G1sIbFt2ogAQnLS7IhG-rYbsdR3psK8oTZDIxxBAf90KH_MnaRcmij-cpAzDLw2fzqs1dOKsfcW6wzzlfPCO434vOwuI5R2lliQcuNncR1dc7FPS_dY9i0rRqsmnE9k/s1600/embarrassed-chimp.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 160px; height: 147px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2V3sA7G1sIbFt2ogAQnLS7IhG-rYbsdR3psK8oTZDIxxBAf90KH_MnaRcmij-cpAzDLw2fzqs1dOKsfcW6wzzlfPCO434vOwuI5R2lliQcuNncR1dc7FPS_dY9i0rRqsmnE9k/s400/embarrassed-chimp.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557225389150776498" /></a><br />When we got to the point where a new bag was to be put back on me, she handed me the necessary equipment and with a snarl, said "You'd better do this yourself." UroKarma strikes again. No laughter. I looked around for a drain to crawl down.<br /><br />Don't forget to check out Amy Marash's delightful blog, <a href="http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com">CancerIsSoFunny</a> - her drawings are wonderful and her take on the funnier elements of her own cancer journey is priceless.<br /><br />And for more wonderful humour that isn't health related - but amazingly, makes you cry with laughter without the use of a single smutty word or thought - have a look at <a href="http://jeannerobertson.com">Jeanne Robertson's website</a>. She's 6 foot 2 inches tall, 68 years old, from North Carolina, and one of the funniest women I've ever observed on either side of the Atlantic.<br /><br />Let's hope 2011 gives us even more to laugh about, and less to fear and loathe.<br /><br />Sz xxSuzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-87019084584649162572010-10-22T14:39:00.005+01:002010-10-22T14:56:26.829+01:00Guest post: My Beauties - what a gift! By Jackie Dunn<strong>Many thanks to fellow breast cancer survivor Jackie Dunn who got somewhat more than she had bargained for when undergoing breast reconstruction surgery ...! Here's her story:</strong><br /><br />After about a year following the chemotherapy and radiotherapy, the latter which left great gaping holes under my arm and under my right breast, I was definitely not impressed with hospitals and regular treatment. However, knowing there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I decided to get well with the zeal of a mad-woman let loose after my release.<br /><br />Because the skin was very thin and difficult to heal following the radiotherapy – something which I am sure I was not told about, I sulked and screamed for a while. Then got over myself and healed.<br /><br />A while down the road, I asked my GP for a referral. I wanted new boobs. You see, I had not been told that with the radiotherapy, that I might experience hard tissue on the breast. The right breast was getting very hard. I was single and still wanted to have 2 normal-looking breasts to fill my bra, which was about a size 34 C then. Along I went to plastic surgeon – Mr V. in Leicester, one of the finest in the UK. He was compassionate and told me that my skin had not healed sufficiently. Perhaps in time. Perhaps never.<br /><br />So, 6 months later, I followed the same route; GP, then Mr V and then rejection. Hmmmmm, so there would be another way, I thought. So I started by sending Mr V. gifts. At one time, a bottle of fine wine. Then a wonderful card saying how wonderful he was and his bedside manner was just the best. Eventually, we got together again, this time on first-name terms. He agreed that he would give it a go, to speak. And he measured me up for the boobs that I wanted – after all, I wanted a matching pair didn’t I? We decided on the size, the weight and the shape. It was like looking for a great pair of shoes when you have so many to choose from and only one lifetime choice. Better get it right.<br /><br />He did tell me that I would be added to the waiting list and I said that would not be necessary, that his personal PA was just waiting for the nod and I would be top of the list. More on this another time, and suffice to say that I was booked in the following week.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7MGKorGstYF5kiby02zmFaay0wQpZ2GYy6GRzuRFId6EIA74riZjmSUnWrHtSQNw-n-xpO86WOZ16d6s-1eLCfdYdLc7Su2YamRFy9I5EjId1Ixuobwcx9MR5ge94qDRmfBYt/s1600/Marge-Breasts.png"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 331px; height: 346px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7MGKorGstYF5kiby02zmFaay0wQpZ2GYy6GRzuRFId6EIA74riZjmSUnWrHtSQNw-n-xpO86WOZ16d6s-1eLCfdYdLc7Su2YamRFy9I5EjId1Ixuobwcx9MR5ge94qDRmfBYt/s400/Marge-Breasts.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5530867952243578002" /></a>Pre-med. Gowned up, fastened at the front this time, I was wheeled to the pre-op room. Mr V. came in to see that I was ok. He also was gowned up with a mask under his chin. He looked a bit worried when he approached me. “Mrs Dunn,” he said, “we have a situation here. Your notes have not been found; they seem to be between the four hospitals you were dealing with. So there you have it. You have a choice to make here, and I cannot help you. Whatever you decide, will be recorded and you will sign to agree on the action.<br /><br />You can either go home and we’ll let you know when your notes turn up – giving the full size and weight of your agreed silicones . Or you can verbally agree here and now and we’ll get on with the operation.”<br /><br />Woozily I said, “just get on with it and fill the gaps” …. Signed a piece of paper and then all around me scurried into action.<br /><br />When I awoke, back in the ward, the next morning, I was trussed up like a chicken. The bandages were protruding really quite a lot and then another doctor came along to see how I was doing.<br /><br />“Doctor,” I said, “I seem to have a lot of swelling, here. Not quite as I expected, actually.” “Mrs Dunn” he said in a serious manner, “there is no swelling”. He and I gulped, in an awkward sort of way …. No swelling, eh? And so back off to sleep to allow his words to sink in.<br /><br />So, getting used to my now and forever rather large breasts, I now refer to them as ‘my beauties’ . In actual fact, we have a birthday celebration for them each year. They suit my personality and are one of my greatest souvenirs of the final cancer chapter. <br /><br />Jackie x<br /><br /><em>Have a look at Jackie's great website, <a href="http://www.thestringbag.co.uk/">"The String Bag"</a> ...<br /><br />Many thanks to <a href="http://animation.comedy.com/2009/08/05/top-ten-tv-cartoon-babes-animated-hotties-that-will-animate-your-pants/">Animation.Comedy.Com</a> for the loan of their lovely pic of Marge.</em>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-5753866022692491262010-10-19T19:48:00.002+01:002010-10-19T20:02:25.454+01:00Hello again and how to prepare for a hospital stayI'm back, having become an accomplished "<a href="http://www.meetanostomate.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=1877">urostomate</a>" and of course, not having lost my sense of humour, I thought you might enjoy this little ditty (original author unknown):<br /><br /><strong>How to prepare for the hospital</strong><br /><br />Going into the hospital is never fun to begin with, but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.<br /><br />1. Lay stark naked on your lawn and ask a gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator.<br /><br />2. Drink two litres of Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.<br /><br />3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.<br /><br />4. Put your hand firmly down into your food processor on the “chop” setting while practising your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".<br /><br />5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Phillips (squarehead) screwdriver, stab yourself with a knitting needle and wrap several elastic bands very tightly around your upper arm.<br /><br />6. Remove all fresh food from your house and replace it with "boil in the bag" culinary delights from the back of your freezer which you haven't defrosted in over 10 years.<br /><br />7. With several strands of Christmas fairy lights strung from a coat stand and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall. One familiar with this, practise going to the washroom in similar fashion.<br /><br />8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube and ensure you don't miss, even if you're a woman.<br /><br />9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps' nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.<br /><br />10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your partner ignore you completely as you plead for her/him to come and bring you a roll of paper.<br /><br />Having spent three weeks in a UK hospital this year I find the above not quite so funny, as I might have otherwise. I wonder why?Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-50525453326915144842010-08-28T12:58:00.004+01:002010-08-28T13:43:48.021+01:00Charity begins at home (well, in the founders' own bank accounts, anyway)If anyone has been approached by or attracted to something called the "Cancer Fund of America" you might be interested to share a recent post from <a href="http://blcwebcafe.org/default.asp">The Bladder Cancer Web Cafe </a>email discussion list...<br /><br /><em>I have received a few calls from the 'Cancer Fund of America' soliciting donations to help cancer patients with their daily incidentals. After listening to them for several minutes and asking questions about who they help, I then tell them that I am a cancer patient that could use some help (not really - just want to know their response). I was directed to a website www.cfasupportservices.org or telephone number 1800-578-5284 and I was then asked for money again.<br /><br />The website is sketchy to say the least. There is a form for patients to fill out to apparently receive a box of Debbie Cakes. An article by the <a href="http://spokane.bbb.org/article/cancer-fund-of-america-solicits-nationally-raises-millions-but-almost-no-cash-goes-to-direct-aid-11337">Better Business Bureau</a> claims "Cancer Fund of America and a related support group, Cancer Fund of America Support Services, Inc., reported they raised slightly more than $17 million in 2007, the most recent year in which public information is available. Of that total, Cancer Fund of America reported it donated $54,000 in cash to unrelated groups or individuals - or about 3/10 of 1 percent. Of that $54,000, however, $50,000 went to a court directed cancer charity as part of a settlement with the Georgia Governor's Office of Consumer Affairs. The state alleged the charity gave out deceptive and misleading solicitations to consumers. The salaries and benefit packages for charity president James T. Reynolds, Sr., two sons and a son-in-law totaled more than $537,000 for the same period."<br /><br />So, before you give to them you should think twice. How they are still getting away with this practice is beyond me.</em><br /><br />It seems our friends at Cancer Fund of America have been hounding people for money since 2006 at least, according to <a href="http://mazack.org/cancer_fund_of_america.php">Michael Mazack</a> <em>et al</em> - it's well worth reading their experiences <a href="http://mazack.org/cancer_fund_of_america.php">here</a>. And the Bladder Cancer Cafe poster, along with Mr Mazack, are not alone; when I did a Google search of the words "Cancer Fund of America scam" there were more than 200,000 results. Not what you'd call a flash in the pan.<br /><br />Having had a quick gallop through the text on the <a href="http://www.cfoa.org/home.html">Cancer Fund of America Inc's home page</a> (and found two mistakes in their English/spelling,) I then clicked on through the site. I was not particularly reassured by their President's message, much as the <a href="http://www.cfoa.org/president_message.html">beaming Mr Reynolds</a> almost looks nice enough to buy a used car from. But then I'm hardly likely to buy a car from Knoxville, Tennessee (their official address, although they say they are a <a href="http://www.delawarecorp.com/site/WhyDelawareFAQ/tabid/109/Default.aspx">Delaware Corporation</a> - and by sheer coincidence, of course, these appear to have comparatively <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delaware_General_Corporation_Law">relaxed rules and regulations</a>.)<br /><br />Perhaps someone should suggest the charity is renamed "The Reynolds Family Get-Rich-Quick Fund." Ain't life grand?Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-53664901848268495192010-08-03T18:15:00.003+01:002010-08-03T18:33:21.699+01:00Melanoma alert: keep your bum out of the sunA recent study conducted by the <a href="http://www.ed.ac.uk/news/all-news/tanning-030810">University of Edinburgh </a>found that of all parts of your body, those which tan the most ineffectively are the buttocks. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihyphenhyphenBNto5pk2llWrP2KHbkULKnfU2en7vhch0PYaT7Vihy3AgN0CvSkK8VkAUG6xh5CAcCQ6aUa5Jcq5TEr-jtSCZGite97rRWhxHTof-uaerdNAHe0e5T2RU8GhFuMfKve6_Ib/s1600/arse,+small.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 167px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihyphenhyphenBNto5pk2llWrP2KHbkULKnfU2en7vhch0PYaT7Vihy3AgN0CvSkK8VkAUG6xh5CAcCQ6aUa5Jcq5TEr-jtSCZGite97rRWhxHTof-uaerdNAHe0e5T2RU8GhFuMfKve6_Ib/s400/arse,+small.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501236346838699138" /></a><em>"The findings, published in the journal Experimental Dermatology, show that the buttock is much more resistant to sunshine,"</em> says the University of Edinburgh press release. <em>"But when it does go red it tans less well than other areas."</em><br /><br /><em>"The fact that different types of skin cancer tend to be found in different parts of the body has long puzzled scientists, given that they are all caused by exposure to sunshine," </em>the release continues. <em>"The team aimed to identify whether this is linked to variations in the way different parts of the body develop a tan."</em><br /><br />So be warned; the next time you're tempted to moon at the sun, don't forget the high-factor sunblock...Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-44204596999852111932010-07-30T09:32:00.005+01:002010-07-30T09:52:22.479+01:00Want to avoid bladder cancer? Get bladdered on beer or wine.Such welcome news for boozers ... according to a meta-analysis of alcohol intake and risk of bladder cancer conducted by the <a href="http://www.urotoday.com/37/browse_categories/bladder_cancer/a_metaanalysis_of_alcohol_intake_and_risk_of_bladder_cancer__abstract07292010.html">Department of Urology </a>at the First Affiliated Hospital (School of Medicine) at Zhejiang University in China...<br /><br /><em>"The overall current literature on alcohol consumption and the risk of bladder cancer suggested no association, while the consumption of beer and wine was associated with reduced risk of bladder cancer,"</em> says the abstract.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjURSMvFuux-CSzl4LHYkdbJ12aPiYv4PwiUPWTj6qwiY3EqyFmBCZLIlViG-S9P7zcTT4Hz1AgwYiDWwVrKHe-W5TfmY1ZCon5IMDpCDkbPtxlA4EfqmoEEC2Rurg83eHw3Ob4/s1600/Xmas+09+006.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjURSMvFuux-CSzl4LHYkdbJ12aPiYv4PwiUPWTj6qwiY3EqyFmBCZLIlViG-S9P7zcTT4Hz1AgwYiDWwVrKHe-W5TfmY1ZCon5IMDpCDkbPtxlA4EfqmoEEC2Rurg83eHw3Ob4/s400/Xmas+09+006.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5499618279498761378" /></a><em>"Further efforts should be made to confirm these findings and clarify the underlying biological mechanisms," </em>the abstract concludes.<br /><br />Drinking wine didn't stop me getting bladder cancer and now I no longer have a bladder, I suppose this information is irrelevant. But I'm going to continue drinking wine just in case...Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-73128918852370260872010-07-25T10:58:00.006+01:002010-07-25T11:14:29.137+01:00Police now classify urostomy bags as offensive weapons<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqnVkN4wZ6ycOhSJb9o0g4TNQsD2PE8PEkyd2CLO14qBUbaeCclZc7P7hRK5-xnJM5D8v8gNH8TY_ZyY_UES4EMPhefDcY8EliERZ6Hzjf0ZH8GVs4BmZBoVeOnRITrFCCunY3/s1600/crazy+woman.png"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 251px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqnVkN4wZ6ycOhSJb9o0g4TNQsD2PE8PEkyd2CLO14qBUbaeCclZc7P7hRK5-xnJM5D8v8gNH8TY_ZyY_UES4EMPhefDcY8EliERZ6Hzjf0ZH8GVs4BmZBoVeOnRITrFCCunY3/s400/crazy+woman.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5497784022533825618" /></a>According to various articles in the North American press, it seems that a certain Monica Avila - proud owner of a urostomy - found a useful new role for her urostomy bag recently when displeased by the boys in blue who were pursuing her by car, attempting to arrest her.<br /><br />Ripping off her bag, which we must assume was due for emptying at the time anyway, she threw it at the officers who were then splattered with urine.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8AuRtC9fkUaiRPAht_EAfEsBnrNGAM47GVGBD3Q41bw9QlQY60zVsl4oAiMS0jJuKUmgo1s5hshuhHuSvV3gAYCPQcZaEkdA9QgGScqt6Q02yq9o908YS2iN2YNSyYUr3aIys/s1600/urostomy+pouch.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 110px; height: 109px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8AuRtC9fkUaiRPAht_EAfEsBnrNGAM47GVGBD3Q41bw9QlQY60zVsl4oAiMS0jJuKUmgo1s5hshuhHuSvV3gAYCPQcZaEkdA9QgGScqt6Q02yq9o908YS2iN2YNSyYUr3aIys/s400/urostomy+pouch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5497784582137487186" /></a>Much encouraged by this I am delighted to be in possession of a potentially offensive weapon ... handy to deter muggers, pickpockets, charity tin rattlers, traffic wardens, etc. I think even the hardest-bitten hooded teenage chavvy-yob would run like hell rather than get sprinkled with fresh human pee...<br /><br />Read one version of the whole story in the <a href="http://www.torontosun.com/news/weird/2010/07/24/14813806.html">Toronto Sun</a> ...Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-54535937607396112512010-07-21T12:14:00.003+01:002010-07-21T12:34:26.127+01:00It's vampire time for me<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElUZJjSXokUAZVusQs4DU5vpj4Ry8eCPeGN5N8TrRmtSQQnz-03ImSjudzDI7VAn4PF1owi0zRDkwoFFKs8yMnwLXDA13Ix_9kG4HWsGldqgx35sMrsQQZ62EKoAhZzIuqStn/s1600/vampire+bat.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElUZJjSXokUAZVusQs4DU5vpj4Ry8eCPeGN5N8TrRmtSQQnz-03ImSjudzDI7VAn4PF1owi0zRDkwoFFKs8yMnwLXDA13Ix_9kG4HWsGldqgx35sMrsQQZ62EKoAhZzIuqStn/s400/vampire+bat.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5496320872765739330" /></a>In a fit of peak no doubt caused by hospital visit withdrawal symptoms, my body has now found a clever way to get me back in.<br /><br />Noticing that one of my legs was fatter - even fatter - than the other I had it checked and I now have a small deep vein thrombosis in the left thigh. <br /><br />So I have been commuting to the vampire department at our regional hospital daily for over a week. My abdomen looks like a road map of Ontario after all the heparin shots, and the inner-elbow vein in my only available arm (other has lymphedoema) is standing out holding a up a white flag and saying "enough, already."<br /><br />But still the vampires must taste my blood, although we're now down to every other day. And I'm chewing rat poison pills every evening (a.k.a. warfarin.)<br /><br />Anyway, all thanks must go to the good folks at the Anti-Coagulant department of <a href="http://www.northamptongeneral.nhs.uk/Oncology/index.htm">Northampton General Hospital</a> who have been treating me so good humouredly. (See pic, above, senior member of their staff...)Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-83605286343065950782010-07-11T19:50:00.003+01:002010-07-11T20:30:30.584+01:00You thought I had vanished, didn't you ... go on, admit it ...Well, I might have, I suppose. But thankfully I made it through the removal of my bladder, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes and numerous lymph nodes in my lower abdomen ... plus the creation of a stoma using a chunk of my small intestine as a conduit, sewn to my kidneys one end which sticks through a hole at the other... OK, too much information. <br /><br />(The upside? I lost 20 lbs! Without even trying! Major surgery and the off-putting effects of hospital food for 3 weeks beat the pants off the <a href="http://www.dukandiet.co.uk/">Dukan diet</a>, I can tell you...)<br /><br />If you really want to know the gory details, have a <a href="http://www.christie.nhs.uk/patients/booklets/text/cystectomy/women.aspx">look here</a>.<br /><br />Having so many bits chopped out of me has left me feeling a bit tired and jaded, hence not up to so many jokes as in previous times.<br /><br />But don't write me off just yet. My sense of humour is coming back at an alarming rate. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiecY6RqwkEVDJon4g5pGvMYUR7KBLs3MHEdA3Tl_sQz9dGHVPReZbuSuQenb2ROQMqc-T-icWtnfnwLe2MjYEZANkPGxLyjlAm8bhGMmCFX94I0-ELZ1dzy3giWm4RZPuTPY4X/s1600/urostomy+pouch.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 110px; height: 109px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiecY6RqwkEVDJon4g5pGvMYUR7KBLs3MHEdA3Tl_sQz9dGHVPReZbuSuQenb2ROQMqc-T-icWtnfnwLe2MjYEZANkPGxLyjlAm8bhGMmCFX94I0-ELZ1dzy3giWm4RZPuTPY4X/s400/urostomy+pouch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5492731601358381778" /></a>And I'm rapidly getting used to my small plastic friend which has replaced my very nastily diseased bladder (see pic on the left.)<br /><br />In the meantime, let's celebrate medical humour with a few gags passed on by my delightful cousin Alyson in Ottawa, Canada... <br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'<br />I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,<br />San Francisco<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.<br /><br />'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.<br /><br />'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,<br />Seattle , WA<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had<br />died of a massive myocardial infarction.<br /><br />Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed<br />me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.<br /><br />' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...<br /><br />The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'<br /><br />I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!<br /><br />Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,<br />Norfolk , VA<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'<br /><br />After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-<br />Corvallis , OR<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' <br /><br />' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'<br /><br />I then asked to see the jelly and he produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'<br /><br />Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,<br />Detroit , MI<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled<br />into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.<br /><br />When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'<br /><br />Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'<br /><br />Submitted by RN no name...<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-69054839315643524552010-03-22T17:42:00.000+00:002010-03-22T17:43:28.818+00:00Would Amy's center please make contact?A bright and upbeat message from <a href="http://www.cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/">Amy Marash</a> in Washington, DC ... <br /><br /><em>Hi Suzan, <br />I was diagnosed with metastastic colon cancer in 2008 and treated with 2 surgeries and 11 rounds of chemotherapy, including standard protocols plus an experimental drug. I write stories and make drawings to process my thoughts, feelings and fears about the beast. I've completed treatment, show no evidence of disease, and I'm still here!</em><br /><br />Amy's blog, "Cancer Is So Funny" is fascinating - take a look <a href="http://www.cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/">here</a>. She also sent me some of her art to share, so here it is:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYEK9E6q9igeOr2mt9e3VJAsh94IWOWnmxPWzpQgTwj5L_QBYC5AMsjCH9VZf-4vL-hcywi53akAymQK2H-9ZFSDFwXRC0zGMG2D526lG9ngt0x7GTEsUwYJ8kHXGtx1RZzbSaWQ/s1600-h/Amy+2.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 286px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYEK9E6q9igeOr2mt9e3VJAsh94IWOWnmxPWzpQgTwj5L_QBYC5AMsjCH9VZf-4vL-hcywi53akAymQK2H-9ZFSDFwXRC0zGMG2D526lG9ngt0x7GTEsUwYJ8kHXGtx1RZzbSaWQ/s400/Amy+2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451512522126754802" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsh0dEGlNicPcrnEdI_1LtZTmFZqjhSkyzCGo5y8mbMxmGGl9qEhxd_zhHXI770uS17ctrIOByYkQr8nmfHnJ5lwsXDsuEdculg2PhBE5tWZcLl-IWz1uKixy9pAbweJOrwPiP1A/s1600-h/Amy+1.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 313px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsh0dEGlNicPcrnEdI_1LtZTmFZqjhSkyzCGo5y8mbMxmGGl9qEhxd_zhHXI770uS17ctrIOByYkQr8nmfHnJ5lwsXDsuEdculg2PhBE5tWZcLl-IWz1uKixy9pAbweJOrwPiP1A/s400/Amy+1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451512745562836194" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVPVekHz8BZ-c_yp70FlC-tzUrAWs1CqDuI_K_VCWeLsCYtjY0c-Im1VWxDCA3pmBF1hHvwUsJ6POv-cIehL8HwO4dPRCMnxftKruXEiwJY_FvjPNCU6vrkP10UnjkOlVFA1C9hQ/s1600-h/Amy+4.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 236px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVPVekHz8BZ-c_yp70FlC-tzUrAWs1CqDuI_K_VCWeLsCYtjY0c-Im1VWxDCA3pmBF1hHvwUsJ6POv-cIehL8HwO4dPRCMnxftKruXEiwJY_FvjPNCU6vrkP10UnjkOlVFA1C9hQ/s400/Amy+4.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451512039184347858" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPiYBWNvrc3TOdcvEj0gXHUV6wdpa6HcvP4c6LjxA8v5caQzwPPwcedv5zQGBPBdBZDGzVVwtsjlDkMUueQSQfuPLhjYwizQ7rbI28ph_oljDmjeSgPxQJym4sFMqvUKR-lJ1cxg/s1600-h/Amy+3.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 261px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPiYBWNvrc3TOdcvEj0gXHUV6wdpa6HcvP4c6LjxA8v5caQzwPPwcedv5zQGBPBdBZDGzVVwtsjlDkMUueQSQfuPLhjYwizQ7rbI28ph_oljDmjeSgPxQJym4sFMqvUKR-lJ1cxg/s400/Amy+3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451512226620237330" /></a>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-6173084480566627502010-03-21T19:19:00.004+00:002010-03-21T19:37:50.989+00:00Have you got the balls - or ball - for this?This one is especially for our Darren Couchman, campaigner extraordinaire for testicular cancer awareness and author of a hilarious book called "<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Humorous-Against-Testicular-AmazonClicks-com-Readers/dp/1906146721/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269199334&sr=1-1">One Lump Or Two?</a><br /><br /><em>A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and as he's leaving says "By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful house.</em><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZh3l-0dhlqJ-5MlkGoAo_Qr6JF4WxDZE3-uZArTwDLjVe-W6c7Ck0ctNsH7KSct3HbZEoUFkiUiGTP3AGE7pJm-2-npri0s2TYtxa8qTvWOcpPtnnqrnHrdpIMz6eIJDsY8w/s1600-h/background_monkey_head.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 167px; height: 167px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZh3l-0dhlqJ-5MlkGoAo_Qr6JF4WxDZE3-uZArTwDLjVe-W6c7Ck0ctNsH7KSct3HbZEoUFkiUiGTP3AGE7pJm-2-npri0s2TYtxa8qTvWOcpPtnnqrnHrdpIMz6eIJDsY8w/s400/background_monkey_head.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451171572790746482" /></a>Gag unashamedly stolen from <a href="http://www.thefurrymonkey.co.uk/">The Furry Monkey</a>, a fellow warrior whose site is really well worth a visit. Check it out.<br /><br />And Karen, please feel free to share any gags and other stuff from here that you find entertaining. We cancer warriors - and especially those of us with a sense of humour - need to stick together.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-72680924341005938232010-03-20T14:18:00.003+00:002010-03-20T14:37:41.519+00:00It's bye-bye bladder timeWell, the BCG / Interferon treatments didn't work. Although the CIS cancer in my bladder isn't worse, it's still there. So in a few weeks' time the surgeons will remove my bladder, create an ileal conduit (tube made from a length of my own small bowel) which then gets sewn on to the ureters that descend from the kidneys, and bingo. Empties into little plastic bag, which I then empty by turning a tap on.<br /><br />I even get a hysterectomy thrown in - just how cool is that for a "buy one, get one free" deal? <br /><br />A couple of days ago I visited another woman who has had the same surgery, who very kindly showed me her stoma, bag, etc and explained how it all works. OK, the surgery and recovery are not what you'd call a walk in the park, but they're "do-able."<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFA_K8ExJk573wO-A48Z8Y0kefB0GRZaIfmhz_qWkiGa6elajjcVzvKKz2YyFB2yJz3xuV5tu8MjBCDKx7xUcyVf0vJCRzFGmASK3MB0xgJup53gfBCnqCfBesY9whb33aC-sy/s1600-h/SnowPee1.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 199px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFA_K8ExJk573wO-A48Z8Y0kefB0GRZaIfmhz_qWkiGa6elajjcVzvKKz2YyFB2yJz3xuV5tu8MjBCDKx7xUcyVf0vJCRzFGmASK3MB0xgJup53gfBCnqCfBesY9whb33aC-sy/s400/SnowPee1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5450724537638668354" /></a>And the prize bonus? About a year after this lady's surgery while on a trip to the Austrian Alps, someone dared her to write her initials in the snow - something men can do easily but is usually impossible for us girlies.<br /><br />Not so when you have a urostomy, however. She waited until her bag was full, turned on the tap, squeezed and <em>voilà</em>. And now she's dared me to do the same thing next winter...I can hardly wait...<br /><br /><em>Photograph stolen from a delightful blog called <a href="http://www.wetasschronicles.com">The WetAss Chronicles</a> by US journalist Tim Zimmermann ... thanks Tim, hope you don't mind.</em>Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-91498636778090137232010-01-11T16:46:00.002+00:002010-01-11T16:51:04.577+00:00Oi, Manchester!You Mancunians ... what are you doing April 17th?<br /><br />Fancy a nice healthy walk?<br /><br /><a href="http://shine.cancerresearchuk.org/">Check this out.</a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5LHln9FqF0K9ARgjuVt2PSqlJptYoV9sRdbRP4zvlH9-7wBdaxCrWw8NcJQIkWz3xHRLxybLjB74Sz6bU1ErrHA8HedCkfi1E-OPG6TG_fGUFPfSmtnWzVdWXzNXxVAFyteBY/s1600-h/LaWoof+Jan+06-10+%233.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5LHln9FqF0K9ARgjuVt2PSqlJptYoV9sRdbRP4zvlH9-7wBdaxCrWw8NcJQIkWz3xHRLxybLjB74Sz6bU1ErrHA8HedCkfi1E-OPG6TG_fGUFPfSmtnWzVdWXzNXxVAFyteBY/s400/LaWoof+Jan+06-10+%233.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425525579524141378" /></a>Maybe I'll see you there ... as long as I can bring my four-legged friend for company...Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-30211619765270419162010-01-06T16:09:00.003+00:002010-01-06T16:34:46.907+00:00"You're in remission now, so p*ss off."I thought it was just me and a few like-minded folks out here in the wilderness shouting at the health professionals that once your cancer treatment is finished, you're politely told to do something connected with sex and travel - if you're lucky, maybe "come back next year for a checkup." And that's it. Diddly squat.<br /><br />As many of you will know from experience, while you're going through chemo and radiotherapy you feel supported and cocooned by doctors, nurses and other wallahs plus the whole cancer system itself. This is generally considered to be an important part of your therapy; you are not alone, you have a key worker or other mentor you can call in the middle of the night and rant at if you want to, and on your regular visits to the onco unit or "tanning booths" you're warmly welcomed and entertained by all your friends and co-patients.<br /><br />As soon as the treatments end though, you get pushed over the cliff and you're on your own. All that nice, comfy support, cups of tea, letters, pamphlets, cosy chats, little ring-binders with your treatment notes in them etc. etc. vaporise in an instant and you're dumped back in the world of real life, feeling about as fit for coping with it as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking party. <br /><br />At last, here in the UK, <a href="http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx">Macmillan Cancer Support</a> - bless 'em - are campaigning for the system to stop abandoning successfully-treated cancer patients like stolen cars by the side of the road, and get them - or rather, us - the follow-up care we need. <br /><br />Macmillan not unreasonably are focusing on the medical issues involved in post-cancer care here, but I hope they don't forget the psychological side of it - we cancer patients get withdrawal symptoms when our toy-toys and security blankets are whipped out from under our noses. But we can hardly rate as spoilt brats who should just be told to grow up and get on with it.<br /><br /><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8429995.stm">This article </a>on the BBC website makes interesting reading. <br /><br />What do you think?Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-42725853746625060662010-01-03T18:21:00.004+00:002010-01-03T18:36:15.425+00:00Happy 2010Greetings to all in this new decade and I hope you had a wonderful Holiday season. I've had some welcome time off from <a href="http://blcwebcafe.org/interferon.asp">BCG+Interferon bladder treatments</a> - boy, did they make me pee razorblades - and have no further Chinese torture until I go for a "poke and peek" early February.<br /><br />And now, while we're on the subject of uro cancers, a little story to start the New Year:<br /><br /><em>A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. <br /><br />The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." <br /><br />Three weeks later the patient returned, and thanked the doctor effusively. The doctor said "I'm glad my advice helped." <br /><br />The patient thanked him again, and as he was leaving said "By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful house."</em><br /><br />With thanks to <a href="http://www.thefurrymonkey.co.uk/jokes_cancer.htm#hears">The Furry Monkey</a> for the loan of this gag - check out his cancer jokes but be warned, some of them are not for the faint-hearted.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-55001225715265818862009-11-06T11:54:00.004+00:002009-11-06T12:09:20.750+00:00R I P my old booby...Yesterday I said a fond farewell to my dear old and very first ever breast prosthesis which had begun to ooze silicone gel and had had to be patched up with tape. <br /><br />Being keen on recycling rather than throwing things away I asked various friends what would be a fitting retirement role for it, and a number of very helpful suggestions were put forward, including:<br /><br />**Door bell <br />**Shooting target, alternative to clay pigeon<br />**Centrepiece for upcoming festive season (appropriately painted)<br />**Decoration floating in party punch bowl<br />**etc.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMnr0PvIT5sLAgFlhWOQRdztwAz6DTmgppvKgKJmM9vYZqKGTZtVgttpDIaG2j1zgk9x2FzMTJWdgBQYeGw42LZtVBpphSv33GOdWOhksafgCTYpTaC2COd-Qcj-idK3GAJxK/s1600-h/tits.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 260px; height: 298px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMnr0PvIT5sLAgFlhWOQRdztwAz6DTmgppvKgKJmM9vYZqKGTZtVgttpDIaG2j1zgk9x2FzMTJWdgBQYeGw42LZtVBpphSv33GOdWOhksafgCTYpTaC2COd-Qcj-idK3GAJxK/s400/tits.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5400961057158694002" /></a><br />By far the mosting intriguing, however, was from my good friend Pam W who suggested I mix it in with the <em>pot pourri</em>, rather in the fashion of St Agatha as seen in the illustration here ... a painting by Cariani currently hanging in the <a href="http://www.nationalgalleries.org/collection/online_az/4:322/result/0/5747?initial=C&artistId=6178&artistName=Cariani%20(Giovanni%20Busi)&submit=1">National Gallery of Scotland.</a><br /><br />Excellent idea! Can anyone come up with anything better?Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-63921580802376095292009-10-01T10:33:00.003+01:002009-10-01T10:46:09.667+01:00Warning: routine checkups can damage your healthAn email just in from my cousin Alyson in Ottawa...<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /><strong>Woman's Annual Exam</strong><br /><br />I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.<br /><br />The nurse starts with certain basics.<br /><br />"How much do you weigh?" she asks. <br /><br />"135," I say.<br /><br />The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.<br /><br />The nurse asks, "Your height?" <br /><br />"5 foot 7"," I say.<br /><br />The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.<br /><br />"Of course it's high!" I scream. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"<br /><br />She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16087486.post-73222720786730423732009-09-27T18:21:00.001+01:002009-09-27T18:23:10.476+01:00Power outage during a mammogramThis was sent to me by a colleague - original source unknown...<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM <br /><br />I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" <br /><br />I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." <br /><br />Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. <br /><br />With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? <br /><br />My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, <br />then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! <br /><br />"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. <br /><br />"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted. <br /><br />Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." <br /><br />Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! <br /><br />After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks." <br /><br />"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. <br /><br />Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" <br /><br />And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.Suzan St Maurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10537832307545669212noreply@blogger.com1